Like all branches of the Israel Defense Forces and government, the Mossad is governed by rules of operation that meet the highest standards in the world. We are committed to protecting the rights of the innocent, regardless of race, religion, gender, nationality or favorite color.
In the interests of full disclosure, we will admit however, that if a Hamas or Hizbollah terrorist puts on a dress, straps on a suicide belt, and then proceeds to daintily shop for brassieres while scouting a place to explode himself, our agents are authorized to assist him to an isolated area and allow him to practice blowing himself up. Agents are also authorized in some instances to assist him if he is unable to succeed in his task.
Full Mossad Code of Operation
In addition to standard rules of operation, the following codes are mandatory for all agents, current, past, future and whatever else there is:
- You must, at all times, wear a bullet-proof vest. If taking a shower, we recommend using a bit more shampoo so that the vest itself will be cleaned as well. Do not use conditioner on the vest – the last thing you want is a soft vest. If you are working undercover and believe the vest might damage your ability to remain incognito, you must fill out form 535225/87 and file it with the main office.
- Salary payments cannot be made to your bank account, as this will damage your ability to remain a secret agent. Therefore, we do not pay you.
- Weapons – all agents are issued guns. Sometimes, we don’t have enough because of budget cuts. In this case, we will issue you a very real-looking plastic water gun.
- If an innocent bystander is present during an operation, you must consider either aborting the operation (preferred), warning the civilian (acceptable), or making sure you are really careful (not preferred). If you shoot a terrorist under these circumstances, we recommend you fire and then immediately grab your foot and start screaming in pain. This will draw attention to you and therefore be less traumatic for the civilian.
- If you are caught by our enemies, it is recommended that you speak Arabic and say you are a member of Hamas…unless you are in Fatah-controlled areas, in which case you should say you are French.
- Do not, under any circumstances, lie about your religion. Except, don’t tell them you are Jewish or Christian either.
- If caught, you are absolutely encourage to throw up over your captors. In extreme situations, you are authorized to pee on them too. Consult the handbook for details of these situations.